They have unhealthy coping mechanisms. We have apparently healthy ones.
They have coping mechanisms that are judged, shamed, deemed mental and unhealthy.
We have coping mechanism that are acceptable, applauded, deemed good and healthy.
We seek coping mechanisms, mechanisms that are not always good to hide from big emotional experiences.
We get triggered and turn to these coping mechanisms to make us feel better in one way or another.
We don’t get to judge people on their choice of mechanism. We don’t get to shame them. That just makes it worse. Confirms what they already feel about themselves. Confirms the stories they tell themselves that they are worthless, stupid, not good enough, too much, a mess, disgusting, stupid, MENTAL. In a weird way this feels good. Your judgements feel good. They believe they deserve that, they even enjoy that. Their subconscious beliefs and unconscious behaviours lead to this being a desired experience and acting in ways to make this happen.
Firstly those who do use negative coping mechanisms need to be taught healthier ones.
Addiction happens because we are trying to cope. It’s not as simple as just give it up! So next time you’re judging someone for making a poor choice for going back to old coping mechanisms. For behaving in a way you wouldn’t do….think.
Ask yourself........
Are you doing the same just in a more acceptable way?
I want to share a recent conversation I was having with a colleague. To give you some context he was an ex army soldier suffered with PTSD. He told me how exercise was his coping mechanism particularly bike riding. He rode everyday for miles and was always entering competitions speed biking for 100s of miles. When the bike ride was over his body would be in pieces, his muscles, his heart but that made him feel good. Pushing himself to that limit made him feel good. Harming himself to that level made him feel good. He said to me when he is training people, helping them to understand why people may self harm he uses that analogy to explain and help them to understand the why behind it. To understand what he was doing was too self harm. Not in a way of cutting himself, banging his head, pulling out hair, getting drunk, doing drugs, having sex with people. In doing exercise to such a detriment he felt satisfied.
He said he didn’t agree with me about my theories on addiction. That if I was doing or addicted to something that was good for me, healthy for me wasn’t that positive.
I mean, yes to a certain degree. Except the level I was going to actually caused me harm in other ways. Yoga for example I was addicted to the physical practice, to pushing my body.But in doing so I was ignoring signals from my body to slow down, to listen, to rest. I caused myself sciatica, knee injury, muscle problems. Which led to me not being able to move. So in fact it was not good. It was just deemed good by society. Real yoga is a great tool not for coping but for healing. Yoga when used to become aware, to reconnect, to learn healthy tools & mechanism, to explore, to become curious. Asana accompanied by philosophy, wisdom, experience. I was practicing from a complete egoic place not incorporating the philosophies just wanting a fit body because then I would get attention, be admired, be desired, be accepted in the spiritual community. I used yoga to escape my body, my mind, my life and myself. So being addicted to this so called healthy coping mechanism brought me pain and disconnect it was just more acceptable to society than me publicly smoking a joint. But there is NO difference. The only factor is one is more acceptable in society than the other. Both were ways of coping with a body riddled with trauma, mental and emotional health issues, problems with my relationships etc.
To truly no longer need something to cope it takes self awareness, acceptance and healing. Otherwise you just swap one coping mechanism to another. That’s not to say there is anything wrong with that. But wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to cope.
How do you do that?
You discover what it is you’re trying to cope with, what it is you’re trying to avoid. Usually intense emotions shame, rage, sensuality, grief, guilt. Emotions that are part of the human experience yet they are deemed too much or negative. These kind of emotions make people feel uncomfortable. We are encouraged to not feel these emotions but they don’t go anywhere. We just learn to cope.
Holding space to feel these emotions is how you overcome them.
Then you focus on the mental, physical, emotional & spiritual effects that have occurred due to long term use of coping mechanisms. The chemical imbalances in the body. The subconscious beliefs. The learnt behaviours. The emotional trauma held in the body. The ancestral wounding & gifts which you may carry. The disconnection from heart & soul. The
When you feel an intense emotion (thoughts & sensation) your brain will still give you the answer through more thoughts like ‘remember this works’ ‘do this that made you feel better before’ it’s doing its job, it’s keeping you safe, it’s solving the problem with ways it know how.
It is in that moment you have to give your brain a new memory. Through awareness of I’m having thoughts to do this, but instead what if I try this….the new learned ways you’ve been taught.
We are not born knowing this stuff we learn but if we don’t learn then we will ALWAYS do things they way we always have. That’s not our faults. Yet many are quick to judge when people turn to less acceptable things.
So I ask you again what is the difference between me, you and mental health patients, alcoholics, drug and sex addicts?
Can you see now?
Nothing. Yet they get judged, shamed, restrained, punished.
How is that fair?
Sending love,
Laura
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